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A List of Things Stanley Kubrick’s Ghost Has Screamed at Me

Zach Huffman

Staff Writer

November 3rd, 2018


For the past week or so the ghost of Stanley Kubrick has been haunting me. Here is a list of things he has screamed at me, usually when I am resting or trying to sleep:

  • That he was not involved in faking the moon landing footage for NASA, and if he had been, he wouldn’t have forgotten to put in the stars.

  • That he suspects that George Lucas was hired by NASA to fake the moon landing footage. I personally find this theory unconvincing. The spirit of Stanley Kubrick seems to be basing this assumption on the special effects techniques pioneered by Lucas for his oft-celebrated Star Wars. However, Star Wars was not released until 1977 and the moon landing took place in 1969, two years before even the release of Lucas’s first film THX 1138. In fact, at the time of the moon landing the only film Lucas had yet produced was Electronic Labyrinth: THX-1138 4EB, his student film precursor to THX 1138. It seems highly unlikely that NASA would hire a filmmaker to fake moon landing footage for them based solely on his having made a short dystopian science fiction film, and so I believe Stanley Kubrick’s ghost is mistaken on this point.

  • That, contrary to popular belief, peanuts do not grow from the ground, but are produced by bees, in a manner similar to their creation of honey.

  • That pipes should be made of flesh—that way they are biodegradable and would cut down on the impacts of global warming. I find this idea to be doubtful. I have not yet spoken to a climate scientist about the impacts that fleshy pipes might have on climate change, but I suspect that their contribution to cutting down on greenhouse gas emissions would be negligible.

  • The tomatoes! The tomatoes!” I must confess that I am at a loss as to what Stanley Kubrick’s ghost means by this. As there are never any tomatoes around when he screams about them, I can only assume that there must be something wrong with the tomatoes that are available in Hell, which is where I hope his permanent home is because he has ruined my life for the past week.

I suppose I should explain something of the origins of my unfortunate experiences with Stanley Kubrick’s ghost, although I myself am unsure as to why he has chosen me for his hauntings. Natchaya and I went to see 2001: A Space Odyssey when it was out in IMAX this summer, and I watched The Shining again on Netflix about a week before the hauntings started, so I guess that would be the most proximate cause of his manifestation, but I don’t know. It’s not like I’m some diehard fan of Stanley Kubrick or something. Anyway, about a week ago was when he first appeared and started screaming things at me. I admit I was pretty spooked at first until I realized he wasn’t going to do anything except scream things at me. Here is another thing he has screamed at me:

  • That the Vietnam War was the best war.

It would even be more bearable if he just remained at my house screaming at me, but he will randomly appear at other places I go and scream at me there. At first I thought that maybe he was appearing to and screaming at other people too, but I have reached out to quite a few other people on various internet message boards and social media sites and have yet to find anyone else who has had this experience. I also feel that the media would be likely to have picked up on Stanley Kubrick screaming at people if it were a more widespread phenomenon, but I do a pretty good job keeping up with the daily news, and I haven’t yet come across anything like this. Some of the places he appears and starts screaming at me can be places where you’re supposed to be quiet too, and it gets pretty embarrassing. Here is something he started screaming at me while I was in the National Museum of the Bible:

  • That Ernest Saves Christmas is better than any movie he [Stanley Kubrick] ever made, and he explained the plot in detail. This was a particularly humiliating scene, because while the Museum of the Bible isn’t itself a church or anything, it does seem like a place where you are supposed to be quieter and show some respect. A woman working there also approached me and told me I would have to control my friend or I would be asked to leave, as if I have some way to control Stanley Kubrick’s ghost that I was just choosing not to exercise.

He even once materialized when Natchaya and I were visiting her father, Pradesh, I don’t know if you’ve met him. He lives down at the senior center. And Stanley Kubrick’s ghost suddenly appeared and started screaming:

  • That Toyotomi Hideyoshi’s invasions of Korea were a good idea. As I am not a very thorough student of history I had to look this up. Toyotomi Hideyoshi was a 16th Century Japanese leader who invaded Korea several times. The invasions were not successful, so I’m not sure why the ghost of Stanley Kubrick thinks they were a good idea, unless he has some kind of inside information, so to speak, from the spirit realm.

While the ghost of Stanley Kubrick was screaming about Toyotomi Hideyoshi we were in the cafeteria at Pradesh’s senior center. Old Mr. Saltzer, one of the other residents there, was trying to enjoy his pudding, but he was having a hard time with all the screaming going on. I could see him in the background behind the ghost and he was getting madder and madder until it looked like he was about to explode. Finally he started screaming at Stanley Kubrick’s ghost, and Stanley Kubrick’s ghost spun around furiously. Old Mr. Saltzer was screaming about how much he hated Eyes Wide Shut. I personally find it somewhat disturbing that such an old man has ever seen such a movie. He and Stanley Kubrick’s ghost just screamed at each other about Eyes Wide Shut and Toyotomi Hideyoshi until finally the ghost of Stanley Kubrick just disappeared. Maybe that’s what I will have to eventually do. I hope this all ends soon. If I remember any of the other things he has screamed at me, I will let you know.



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