Young woman claims to have this whole “adulting” thing down, but she has apparently mistaken “adulting” for going bump in the night!
Will Huffman
Editor-in-Chief
October 15th, 2018
Now here’s something we can all probably relate to.
Leaving behind the collegiate party life, joining the workforce and fending for yourself (“adulting,” as all of us millennials call it) can be straight up scary. It’s important to take a step back every now and then, let go for a minute and hear a fresh perspective on dealing with life’s little demands in order to come out on top.
Insurance actuary and resident of King of Prussia, Pennsylvania, Blake Kopechne, 26, is no stranger to these daily trials life loves to dish out. Fortunately, when it comes to emerging victorious, Blake is absolutely killing it, and she wants to share her pro tips with the world.
“Can we just be real for a second?” Kopechne says. “Growing up sucks. Oftentimes you find yourself just wanting to curl up into a ball and turn back the clocks to when you were a kid without all these spooky adult responsibilities. But it’s times like these that you just have to say, ‘Girl, you got this,’ rattle your hot mess of rusty chains and yowl in such a way that will ensure those in neighboring apartments will never sleep again.”
Uh oh. We thought we knew roughly where this was going, but then it took an eerie turn. Hmm, let’s just see if she gets back on track here.
“When my alarm goes off at 5:45 a.m.,” Kopechne explains, “I’m definitely tempted to stay under the covers and just sleep the day away. But instead I force myself to get up and head to my hot yoga class. Nailing new, challenging yoga poses is a definite confidence-booster. Especially when it’s a particularly dramatic contortion into which I can seamlessly fold myself and employ when crab-walking down darkened avenues, skittering by unsuspecting pedestrians taking their dogs out on late-night strolls. These humans usually shriek and bolt into the woods. The dogs don’t really care for any of this either.”
Hold on a second. What’s going on here? It sounds like Ms. Kopechne knows how to prioritize the hurdles in her life and then set goals for herself in order to clear them one by one, which should be a good thing. But it’s hard to tell what the horrific objective even has to do with the comparably mundane challenge. Really though, why does it all have to be so damn hair-raising?
“Between hitting the gym before work,” Kopechne adds, “slipping appointments in around your crazy schedule, demonstrating just how fierce you truly are from 9 to 5 and somehow retaining some semblance of a social life, the day-to-day struggle of a twenty-something can definitely feel impossible. Fortunately, in response to these headaches, I’ve discovered the perfect way to blow off some steam.”
Kopechne continues. “Take a relaxing crab-walk around an upscale neighborhood in your area—you know, the street with that one beautifully maintained Victorian home you really love—and picture yourself living there several years down the line. Imagine this being the prowl you’ll take every evening in a near future in which all your hard work has paid off and you actually did get through all that stuff that seems impossible in your life right now.”
“While you’re there, go ahead and slither into a vent hood leading under that dream house of yours and wind your way into their ventilation system. I recommend taking a power nap here until 3 a.m. before awakening in order to loudly bang three times up toward the gorgeous original hardwood floors of the kitchen. Writhe your way through the ductwork to another part of the house, rinse and repeat. If all goes according to plan, the residents will perceive this series of three knocks as a mockery of the Trinity vomited up from Hell by a gaggle of demons. This refers to the fact that all demons hate the first three Die Hard movies but perplexingly love the fourth and fifth ones: Live Free or Die Hard and A Good Day to Die Hard respectively. This is a pill that most people find hard to swallow and which will likely split the family asunder.”
Okay, miss, now you’re getting bewilderingly out of line. Still not following your creepy logic here, young lady.
Kopechne also speaks to the fact that getting older means carefully navigating the hardships of earning respect as a confident, goal-oriented career woman. “If your best work frenemy Darcy is being particularly passive-aggressive,” she explains, “it’s all about knowing how to settle things in a civil manner. You just have to perfect the art of killing Darcy with kindness, and then totally convince her that her life is literally in danger when she finds that you--or rather something--trashed her unattended apartment during your lunch break and scrawled the words ‘DIE, WHORE. LOVE, SATAN AND LUCIFER’ all over the walls in blood. Darcy’ll be a mess for months. God, it’s too perfect.”
That doesn’t seem right at all. It sounded as if we were about to gain some insight into successfully resolving tense work altercations, but no. What’s the deal here?
“It’s important not to take yourself too seriously,” Kopechne suggests. “Don’t forget to have fun. It’ll keep you sane and grounded, trust me. When Halloween rolls around, don’t feel like you’re too old to celebrate. You may be tempted to spend the night in typical adult fashion, sending a bunch of faxes out to all your colleagues about how you aren’t afraid of ghosts. But you deserve to let loose, so get yourself to a Halloween party. In fact, attend several simultaneously. It’ll be even more effective if the parties are being held in different cities altogether. Wear something attention-grabbing. Keep your costume sexy, but just creepy enough that it will be particularly distressing to your friends when, while perusing party photos on social media, it begins to dawn on them that you were impossibly present in multiple locations at the exact same time.”
Is anyone out there getting any practical, helpful information from all this? We hope so. But, then again, should we?
“And last but not least, girls,” Kopechne alarmingly foreshadows, “if the guy you’ve been hanging out with has the nerve to ghost you after you guys’ first hookup, just do what I did to Josh when he thought he could pull that ish on me. Astral project your spiritual essence into his one-bedroom apartment, hide within his bathroom mirror and then materialize before him in place of his own reflection when he peers into the looking glass.”
Wait, what? That one can’t be real... can it?
Kopechne adopts a sarcastic-sounding, exaggerated whiny-girl voice. “‘What’s the matter, Josh? Why didn’t you return my texts? Look what you made me do.’ And then cue the blood pouring from the mirror. He will have to move back to Indiana to live with his mom and may never speak again. Josh, BYE.”
She laughs. “Okay, you’re right, that was totally me being just so petty, but you gotta allow yourself one every now and again, don’t you?”
...You do? Well, uhh, at any rate, here’s hoping this young lady is able to keep her head up high in the face of this complicated adult life... we guess. Yikes.
